“I’ve reached the end of my rope,” my friend, Rhonda, said. “I can’t bend anymore. I can’t take any more.”
I nodded.
I saw it in Rhonda’s eyes. She knew that I understood.
That’s because she knew my story. During my first marriage, I told my husband that we needed to have food in the house. But he didn’t care. He took care of himself by buying fast food. And overspending on his own video games.
That, plus more details, inspired me to go for a real boundary of “I’m not going to live like this.” I filed for divorce. One of my best decisions.
I have insights for you.
1. State your boundary. Make it brief. Say, “I need this.”
During my first marriage, I would try to “make my case.” He did not listen. He did not care. Instead, I’ve learned to say, “I need this walkway clear.”
That’s the full thought.
I don’t need to plead and have to justify what I need.
I have worth as a human being. The Gods placed divinity within me. And within you.
“Live your earthly life fully, but try to see the spiritual aspects of your activities as well. Remember—the physical and spiritual are but reflections of each other.” – Scott Cunningham
2. Realize that your boundary mirrors boundaries in nature.
“We cannot and must not give love to others before we have respect and love for ourselves.” – Scott Cunningham
Realize that the Goddess wants your well-being.
I remember that the bark of a Redwood Tree is highly fire-resistant.
The bark protects the tree’s core. Redwoods can survive all but the most extreme fires.
Again, we, witches, learn from nature.
Maintain a good and strong boundary.
You, like the glorious Redwood Tree, are loved and valued by the God and Goddess.
Here is a prayer you can use.
Gods, Surround me with your protection, Like the mother bear who protects her young, Or the lion who protects his pride. Here me now, and surround me with your protection on this Day/Night! So Mote It Be!
Divorce. I didn’t want it. My hopes were crushed. More than that, my soul was crushed under my then-husband’s constant berating.
Sometimes, it feels like life “comes for us.” Divorce. Death of a loved one. Job loss. Loss of a close friend.
What do you do when you feel your life has been ruined by some tough life event?
I have three insights for you.
1. Face the trouble; gather support.
I had been married for seven years. I had no idea what would be next. Would my parents take me back? Because I had nowhere to go, even for a brief time?
I was also losing my identity. I had wanted to be a life mate. Someone who loved and was loved.
Now, this was all gone.
But things were worse. I had no support. I was buried in depression symptoms. I had no energy. I could not even think of getting help. Also, I did not see any older people who demonstrated compassion or wisdom (Later, I would have spiritual elders.)
If I could go back and give counsel to my younger self, I would say, “Gather support.” Seek the help of mental health professionals. Seek appropriate spiritual elders. Develop your own self-renewing activities like meditation, exercise (like walking in nature), good nutrition, and sleep.
About “face the trouble”… I did not deny the pain, suffering, and trouble. I did not put a pretty bow on the trouble and call it “a challenge.” No. It was a painful trauma. I needed to grow, stretch, and endure.
How?
Gather support.
In my circle, people I know step forward and make changes.
One friend had to try four chiropractors before finding one who was a match.
Another friend had to see four doctors before hearing about sinus rinse. The other doctors pushed antibiotics. This friend, with a daily sinus rinse, has avoided sinus infections for 15 years.
Another friend “fired” her psychotherapist. Then, she was truly happy with the next therapist she met and worked with.
So, gathering support may require multiple steps.
What can you do to gather support to help you endure a terrible transition?
2. Realize that you’re losing an identity. And build your new identity.
Sometimes we lose an identity and friends. If you step away from drinking alcohol, you may lose your “boozer friends.”
They may resist you changing your lifestyle for a healthier one.
Some friends that aren’t helping you may drift away. Not always quietly.
They may get angry, or even accusatory. They might even try to sabotage you or make you feel you’re not “cool” or “fun,” anymore. Or say things like, “You can just (____) one more time, right?”
Is some old friend sabotaging your new life?
Sometimes, you just need to get the support you really need, that is, from the Gods.
3. Ask the Gods for support.
What can look like ruin to us, may be a step to the Gods.
You can use this prayer to help you.
Goddess, Help me nurture my inner worth with Your love. God, Give me Your strength to resist temptations that may ruin my path. Gods, guide me and soothe my doubts. So Mote It Be.
At 6 years of age, I punched my 9-year-old brother in the gut. The little torturer deserved it. More than that, I deserved to be defended. So I defended myself. That was a badass moment for me.
Now, I don’t recommend violence. But I was 6, I had no one else to go to.
To be a badass, witches need to know what they stand for. They also need to know what they will not tolerate.
I have three insights for you.
1. Experience Inspiration from the Warrior Goddess Athena.
Athena is known to be related to wisdom, crafts, and warfare. I knit, brew wine and mead, make soap, and more. In the past, I painted with oil paints, and I have created jewelry.
The Badass Boundary is to Reserve time for your creativity.
“Your habits define who you’re being. Your boundaries define the space you require in order to be who you’re being.” – Jen Sincero
What activity do you like to do? Do you feel called to create something? Something artistic?
2. Experience inspiration from the Goddess Brigid.
Brigid is connected to wisdom, healing, protection, poetry, smithing, and domesticated animals. My cat, Magick, just jumped on my lap. I have the connecting with animals covered. For example, years ago, I volunteered at The Peninsula Humane Society. I took care of the small animals—known as pocket pets.
The Badass Boundary is to Reserve time for connecting with flora and fauna in the world.
Do you enjoy having a pet? Do you have any interest in having a familiar?
3. Experience inspiration from the Goddess Venus.
Venus is related to love, desire, sex, fertility, beauty, prosperity, and victory.
The Badass Boundary is to Reserve time for your personal victories.
I made the first move to bring my husband into my life. It took courage. And he’s sure glad I expressed interest! Lucky guy!
How do you want to feel? In what area of your life can you move forward? What can be a small step toward your next personal victory?
“I told her that I trust her with something that, in my local community, I have to keep confidential,” Julie began. “I made her promise me—but she told my secret to everybody. And now they shun me!”
“She told them you are Wiccan,” I said, realizing.
Have you had a similar situation in your life? Has someone betrayed you and now you just can’t get the painful thoughts and feelings out? Does it feel like you’re being ripped apart?
To heal after betrayal, we notice a process …
Stages:
Identify the betrayal
The point here is that you need to acknowledge to yourself that you have been wronged. This person made a decision that caused you harm. Before my divorce, I put up with bad actions of my then-husband. Part of gaining the strength to leave him was for me to put my foot down and declare in my own mind: “This is wrong. I will not endure this, anymore.”
Feel the pain
Acknowledge the pain. Feel it. Until you do, you can’t grow and move past it. Additionally, until you feel the pain you might not have the energy to push through and move on. My then-husband would drain our joint account of money to buy his video games and there would be no food in the apartment. He would feed himself with fast food and think nothing of me.
I had to feel the pain and gather my strength to get the hell away from him. (By the way, I’m so glad because after the divorce, I was free to find my soulmate. It’s so much better now.)
Perhaps, you’re like me, and you’d like a break from feeling so much pain. In fact, I had a recent meditation session in which I asked the God and Goddess, “Why do I have to be in such pain?”
Their answer made me pause. They said, “Pain is to grow.”
So, feeling the pain is where growth happens. I know it sucks. But pain is the fuel that creates growth.
Protect yourself from more trouble
This is where you need to cut all contact with the person. You can do the ritual below for this.
Here are the steps of True Separation:
Verbally end the relationship
Stay away from the person.
Ground yourself.
Cast circle.
Do the Separation Ritual (see below).
Do the Cakes and Wine ritual.
Close the circle.
Finally continue to have no contact with the toxic person.
You will need your usual ritual items to cast circle and your altar. As I mentioned you will also have a length of yarn or piece of red string. The yarn/string must be long enough to encircle your own waist and to encircle the object (that represents the toxic person).
The Separation Ritual
Take the object. First, your will asperge it. Asperge means to sprinkle the holy water with your fingers onto the object.
With the holy water, asperge and say:
I cleanse and consecrate you by water and earth.
Next you will cense the object. Cense means to waft incense smoke over the object.
With the incense smoke, cense and say:
I bless and charge you with air and fire.
Then take the string/yarn and cense and asperge it as well and say:
I cleanse and consecrate you by water and earth.
I bless and charge you with air and fire.
Take the red string/yarn in your hands saying:
Tiny bundle of String/yarn
You are now the same as the bonds between me and Name of person.
Tie one end of the string/yarn to the object and then encircle your waist with the other end of the string/yarn, while you say:
You are the bonds that connect us now.
From me to Name of person and from Name of person to me.
Our connection is by thee.
Sit and concentrate on the bond between you both and see it as the string/yarn that now connects you and the object. Once you have a firm connection with that thought, take the boline and cut the string/yarn, seeing in your mind’s eye the astral bonds being cut along with the string/yarn.
Once you complete the cut, say:
I am now free of the ties of Name of person as he/she is of me.
May my happiness expand, and may Name of person’s happiness expand.
Blessed be.
Finish up with the Cakes and Wine part of the ritual and then close the Circle.
Call upon the God and Goddess to assist with your healing
Meditate and pray to the Gods for strength. Here is a prayer you can use.
Heal my heart and mind, Free me of violence that binds Keep me safe and sane from [his/her] madness, Let me stay centered and stay strong as my own badass. So mote it be!
Circle the Wagons with Friends
Keep your true friends close to you. Confide in them and let them build you back up.
Move into Inner Peace
Now that you are centered and have had your friends strengthen you, you can now move into peace. You now know that you have separated yourself from the betrayer, and you have surrounded yourself with the love of your true friends and the God and Goddess.
Keep in mind there is a difference between acceptance and approval. You do not approve of the betrayer’s actions. Eventually, you might get to the point of acceptance. What would you be accepting? You would accept that the person was caught up in their own crap, and you weren’t even a fly on their windshield. We notice that people can be seriously self-centered and cruel.
But acceptance is not approval. Acceptance is realizing that you went through an event, and today you are not ruled by it.
May this material support you and bring you peace.
Do you feel comfortable to wear a pentacle openly?
A reader asked me a question recently: How do you get a girl to like you if you’re a witch?
I had a thought: Why does it have to be a big deal about being a witch? Why is this question phrased in this way?
My second thought was: The question arrives with “if you’re a witch” because many cultures around the world oppress Wiccans.
The word oppression relates to “prolonged cruel or unjust treatment or control.”
Let’s look at that detail control. A horrible form of control is related to when other people seem to get into your mind and make you doubt your feelings and worth.
Before we go further, here is my answer to that person’s question:
How do you get a girl to like you if you’re a witch?
“Your question brings up a number of subtopics.
I’ll work with a couple of ideas.
a) How do you get anyone to like you if they might be repelled by a false idea?
You may have heard of the idea “be yourself.” Which self are we talking about? The self that has bad breath and a hangover on a Saturday morning? Or the self that you’re proud of. The one that is a good listener. Someone who is respectful, kind and compassionate. The self that is open to learning new ideas and approaches—with each day as a fresh opportunity to grow, learn and be kind.
I’m suggesting that you first express your best self. Be a good listener. Be kind, compassionate and friendly. Show a genuine smile at certain moments. These elements are attractive.
I have a friend who asked this question: “If you deal with clinical depression symptoms, do you tell someone that on the first date?” His answer is no. Because the person hasn’t experienced your good points, and they have no investment in your friendship yet.
When you feel it is appropriate, you might share some part of your spiritual path. Still, be careful because there is a lot of false information about witches in popular culture.
b) How does one use magick to make oneself attractive?
First, my Wiccan elders have emphasized that using magick on anyone without their consent is Wrong—do NOT do it.
However, you can use magick on yourself to remove blocks. You might have endured parental neglect or maybe you suffered heartrending rejection. Therefore, you could do a spell to enhance your personal strength. To be a good friend, you need to have the strength to be a good listener and to share your heart. That’s right—friendship requires us to be strong enough to be vulnerable with the right person.
Prayer for Strength
Lord of the Sun grant me your strength and wisdom to hear what is not said,
and to see what is not shown for my heart is alone. May I feel your strength from above
so I grow and attract life giving love.
May this prayer empower you.”
* * * * * *
As we close this conversation here, I want to emphasize that oppression happens when people are afraid of something or don’t understand something.
Yes—plenty of people retain false ideas about Wicca due to popular culture and to some religious leaders actively spreading false information.
However, we can get to know people one at a time. When they know us as a warm, kind, friendly person, they may be more open to learning who we, Wiccans, are.
Most importantly, stay vigilant about what’s in your own mind.
This reminds me of a quote:
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident. – Arthur Schopenhauer
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